My May Hiatus says that I won’t officially be back until June 10th, but I just really needed to use an outlet to dump out all of my thoughts and feelings at the moment. Bear with me, it’s going to be a long post.
April was an interesting month for me. I didn’t particularly share this aspect of my life on the blog because I wasn’t sure if it was going to go anywhere. And I’m glad I held back. In April, I started dating a boy I had liked since January of this year. We had had our first class together in January, and that’s when we met. For the next three months following, we flirted back and forth, but neither of us was sure if the other liked the other back. Long story short, we found out through our mutual friend that we did both like each other in early April, and I wanted to try going out. He agreed.
I’ve never dated a boy, ever, not in middle school or high school. This was going to be my first real relationship, and I was excited about the novelty of it all – of course I was going to want to try it out. College is all about experimentation right? Little did I know that this experiment would come with heartbreak and sleepless nights: we dated for a month – and that’s what I regret. Why, why, why did I have to make it “official”? Making it official just makes it so much more awkward when we end things. It makes the “breakup” more official.
And break up we did. However, no one told me that doing the breaking up would hurt just as much as being broken up with.
Things were going great, honestly, and I definitely regret doing it so out-of-the-blue. What’s unusual this time around is that I acted before I gave myself more time to think about it. I was having an amazing time being with him, but I’m someone who looks way ahead into my future. If I don’t envision him in it, what’s the point of dating him now? Why waste my and his time/emotion/money? That’s when I knew I wanted to end it now before it was too late.
That’s also where I went terribly wrong. I chose to do it face-to-face because any other way would be rude and non-confrontational, but it was short yet really difficult. I felt like a terrible person for days (to be honest, it’s been 10 days and I still feel like sh*t). I was able to brush it off for the first week and just go about my life, but I think this past week, it has really gotten to me. I’ve been more tired than usual and when I see him around campus, there’s a sharp stab in my heart. It’s one thing to lose a romantic relationship, but it’s altogether a different thing to lose a friendship. I killed two birds with one stone.
I honestly hate that I did this to myself, and to him. The other night, I read through our old chats and the nostalgia hit me so hard. There’s nothing like reading through old messages that make you laugh out loud and fill you up with mirth, and then realizing it’s all in the past and irretrievable. I don’t know if we’ll ever talk like that again. All I had wanted was to take the romantic part of our relationship out and still be really close friends, but nothing remains.
These days, I wish I could just go back to being the person I was pre-2016, before I had met him. But it’s impossible. Building new relationships inherently changes people. And it’s crazy to realize, so many things that surround me now remind me of him: Birdy’s newest album, Beautiful Lies, reminds me of him because that’s what I was listening to at the time we started going out. My favorite library study spot reminds me of him because we studied together there all the time. Even, for goodness’ sake, this very blog you’re reading reminds me of him. He was an avid reader of my blog, and I’m not sure if he will or is still reading this, but whatever it is, this disconnect and void is affecting me, if not more, than it is affecting him. It’s partly why I needed to take a hiatus for the month of May, because this blog painfully reminds me of him.
I get it now, why breakups are a perfect topic for songs. All of Taylor Swift’s songs? I 200% understand now. Ending a relationship warrants a creative outlet, and while it’s good to talk to other people about it to vent for awhile, writing it down does wonders.
I want to jokingly announce my lesson I learned from this little episode of my life is that “boys suck” and to “swear off dating for the rest of my life”, but I can’t just brush it off like that. It’s never as easy as you think. I sincerely hope I don’t look back at this post in a year and think myself as a silly, angsty college student; I hope I look back and see that it was truly a rough patch in my life, and that I will be healed at that point. I hope that in a year when I look back at this post, I will be friends with him again. I hope.
See you all again in June,